Diversity

Day two down in my first week back to school. Last night was "Intro to Internet Development". As a programmer and all around IT Geek, this class should be a cake walk. I understand from a friend that we'll barely even touch HTML and instead let the development language do all the work for us. Should be easy....

So as I waited for the teacher to arrive, I read more of my Humanities book for class tonight. When the teacher walked past and said hi, I looked up to see a familiar face! It was the same teacher that taught my Technical Writing class last semester. Arguably my favorite teacher so far, a very unique teaching approach and really teaches "outside the box".

So that was a major plus! This class should really be no trouble at all!

I went into the classroom and selected a comfy desk with a rather odd looking computer at it. Well, all the desks had odd computers, so that doesn't mean anything. Oh... my... god... These weren't just "odd". Where was the CPU tower? Where was my right mouse button? What happened to my "start" menu?? These were.... MACS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Panic mode again. Had I missed something? Was there a prerequisite for this class I didn't know about? Were we going to use some strange alien Mac-only software for web design? Was this even the right class I was in???

The closest I've ever come to a Mac had been my iPod and iTunes interface. Both very fine, both very comfy in a Windows environment. Yikes! What was I going to do??

I was in the right class, and yes we would be doing our work on these brand spanking new macs with the newest Dreamweaver software. In addition we'd be looking at other development software including some freebies we can install at home. Good thing, since there would be no other opportunity during the week for me to get to the school to use their macs to do homework.

Once the initial fright was over, I explored a bit in this strange new Mac environment. Within moments I'd changed wallpaper and was navigating Safari without troubles. Some things are still odd to me, such as multi-tasking and opening multiple tabs in the browser or choosing my familiar "open in new tab" option, which I like so well in IE7.

Our class is small, only eight people, so our teacher is customizing it to exactly what we want to learn. Very nice! I really look forward to where we go with this.

In addition he mentioned something else that perked up my ears, starting this Fall Semester the school is going to be pushing a "Diversity" program. He's responsible for the posters for this and is going to try and get permission to do a web presence, of which we may take on as part of our class. I don't have any details on what he means by "Diversity" yet, but I definitely plan on kicking sexuality in the mix! I've already told him I'd be very interested in helping with this project (oh yes, because with class four nights a week plus homework I'll be OOOOOH so bored!)

So I'm stepping into the unknown of Mac and dreamweaver. Time will tell how things go, but I'm certainly looking forward to it. If I can learn to develop well in dreamweaver I'll push for my company to buy the PC version of it (assuming there is one?) and use it for developing at work.

Peace and Long Life,

PaunFarr

l(a

l(a

le
af
fa

ll

s)
one
l

iness

-------------------
a poem by EE Cummings

I started my humanities class last night. During our reading assignment I came across the above poem. It took me a little while to make sense of it, then I had the "...oh!" factor come in. I really like it. I printed it for my son and daughter. He struggled with it for a while, but eventually figured it out (I won't say he "got" it, but he understood it). I had to explain it to my daughter, she had absolutely no clue.

Don't read beyond here if you haven't figured it out yet. Let it sink in and see what it is first.

This is an unusual type of poem because it really is only one word with an embedded action. But the form and layout of the poem makes it special. It reads:

l(a leaf falls)onely = a leaf falls, lonely = lonely, a leaf falls

The leaf begins to fall at the top and gently, slowly wafts it's way down to rest on the ground below. The use of the lowercase 'l' is no coincidence that it's the same as the number one '1'. In the original presentation it was the first poem in the book. Ones appear throughout indicating how we are all alone in the end. We are all leaves that eventually fall from the tree.

So I somehow survived the weekend and my first class. By Sunday my constant watching of the clock and counting down how many hours and minutes remained before school started back was bordering on obsessive. I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack over all of it. John and I talked about it and I confessed my fears. That school would start and that would be the end of "me" and all that would remain would be school. That any hope of he and I pursuing a sexual adventure would have to wait until school was out at the end of Summer.

He asked me "Do I need to get the flogger out of the closet and beat you with it? I will if I have to!" LOL! That was what I needed! (not the flogging, but the communication) We cuddled and talked and I felt much better.

Yesterday I avoided all clocks until it was time to go to class. And I actually enjoyed the class, in truth I knew I would. But I was up until almost midnight with my reading assignment and still have another chapter to read before Wednesday, and I have another class tonight. John and the kids all went to bed before me last night as I stayed up reading. I am in class now, but the class is not me. I'll make it through somehow. And Pride weekend is coming up and I truly intend to enjoy that!

Peace and Long Life,

PaunFarr

Countdown

3 days, 8 hours and 2 minutes remain. That's my current countdown for classes starting back up for Summer semester. I'm not worried about passing, these are not difficult subjects and I'm an excellent student. What I'm worried about is my loss of free time, break in my journey, loss of my self.

I've tried to cram so much into this break between semesters this time and feel like I've accomplished so little. I wish I'd met more people, done more things, experienced MORE.

Honestly I've met some wonderful people, and continue to chat with them in e-mail and look forward to meeting them again in the future. I've learned TONS, but unfortunately haven't been as good at conveying what I've learned to my husband.

Now I feel like my feet will be shackled with classes. Like some great weight pulling me down and making my life miserable.

Last Summer I took only one class, a statistics class. I HATED it!! The teacher (to use the term LOOSELY) was horrible and could barely figure out how to turn on the room lights, let alone had no clue how to convey complex mathematics to a room full of students. But I recognized my frustration was solely with him, not with Summer classes in general. So now I'm registered for THREE classes, Intro to Ethics, Intro to Humanities, and Intro to Internet Development. I'm interested in all three and need them for my degree, so that should be fine. But working full time, raising kids and taking THREE night classes will make my life very busy. I've never taken this many classes before at one time, but I have a real need to get my degree as quickly as possible so I'm pushing my limits.

3 days, 7 hours and fifty one minutes now. Every minute counts. Every second.

Peace and Long Life,

PaunFarr

Feeling Blue

Hello all!



Sorry for being gone so long, I would like to say I'll try to post something every day, but the reality is that it just doesn't happen that way. I haven't really been inspired to say anything in the last few days. In fact, I'm a little blue right now.

Most of you just know me as "PaunFarr". PaunFarr is an identity I created for myself to allow me to express myself sexually on the Internet. A sort of "multiple personality" if you will. PaunFarr could be as dirty as I wasn't comfortable being, say things that would never come out of my mouth and be honest with feelings I was too timid to explore.

PaunFarr was "born" October of 2001. I'd been surfing the web, home alone and bored, and came across a sight I'd never visited before. In fact, it featured live web cam feeds of men jacking off for the camera. You could watch, and be watched as you played with yourself. I thought how hot that sounded and wanted to try it with my husband, but he wasn't home at the time.

I hooked up my web cam and entered the rooms. Soon I saw a screen full of small windows of men masturbating including a little window of my (clothed) image. Eventually I became brave enough to strip and join in. There was no audio or text, just video feeds. Guys of all types, smooth, hairy, big, thin, muscled and tattooed. They were just normal guys doing what guys like to do.

Remember, I'd NEVER done anything like this before. I had a self image of goodness and spirituality and didn't think there was room for anything "dirty" in me. But here I was jacking off in full view of other anonymous men, it was the closest thing to a circle jerk I've ever been.

When I came it was a HUGE rush of adrenaline! I felt like I was reborn! That there was a part of me that could be sexual and it was OK! I rechristened this part of myself "PaunFarr" and considered this a separate identity, one where I could freely express my sexuality without making the "real me" dirty.

The next day I excitedly told my husband about this experience, and my rebirth as PaunFarr. My hope was that it signified a new turn in our relationship towards a kinkier, sexier, more exciting sex life between us. Instead of being turned on by my news and anxious to join me in my personal sexual revolution, he was repulsed. He considered my brief foray into web cam sex the same as cheating on him.

Ouch. I crashed. Here I thought I was on the verge of freeing my inner sexual being and making our sex lives hot as hell, and he took the high ground making me feel like a greasy spot on the bottom of his shoe. Maybe I was naive to think he'd accept such a radical change in me, but I never intended that change to be threatening to our relationship, rather for it to be the spark towards hot sexual fires between he and I.

I agreed never to do anything like that again, and PaunFarr retreated to the dark recesses of my mind. He never left, and occasionally would come out as an author to a story or on an Internet discussion group. But to my husband he didn't exist. Our sex life remained vanilla and normal.

Years have past and PaunFarr has grown stronger. And through a twist of events my husband came face to face with PaunFarr speaking his mind and telling him about my long hidden sexual desires. Ready to face rejection again, but no longer caring, it was MY turn to be shocked! My husband was TURNED ON by what PaunFarr had to say! He actually LIKED some of my ideas!

So thus began our current "sexual adventure". Communication has waxed and waned between finishing each other's thoughts to not having a clue where the other person is thinking. Real life struggles have side barred us and it's been a bumpy road. But we've struggled and kept it together and continue to move towards some degree of sexual growth between us.

The communication and acceptance part is the most important piece right now. For the first time I not only feel accepted as PaunFarr, I feel the identity is not necessary. Suddenly the whole of me is open to accepting the diversity of all of me including my sexuality. PaunFarr is being absorbed into the whole of me. PaunFarr is dying.

I'll keep the PaunFarr identity simply for Internet safety. It gives me a mask to hide behind so I'm not slapping my real self out there for any potential stalkers who may want to track me down. But I hope that the need for a separate expression of my sexuality is no longer needed. That I can be a whole being; husband, father, employee, student and sexual person all wrapped up in one.

But it's hard not to feel blue. I've been PaunFarr for many years and I'll miss his refreshing and sometimes harsh commentary. Hopefully the real me doesn't turn out to be a boring geek. ;-)

- PaunFarr (just a mask)

Gavin Rossdale

Ok, so to be honest the only reason I paid more than a passing glance at this guy was because he looked hot. I mean, cute boyish face but with some nice scruff, and nice patch of hair nestled right between his pecs. Barely an otter, but still a cutie. Then I saw his video... oh yeah!

Gavin Rossdale video

Nice shirtless shots, shower, swimming, very, very nice! Then I learned he is Gwen Sefani's husband. Not a bad catch for her! Of course it probably shoots all my dreams of him being gay, but I can still lust after him.

His music is really great too, you'll have to check that out from his web site or iTunes (where we downloaded it. Very nice sound, not too mellow and not t0o pop. Now if he'd just pose for a nice nude Playgirl spread or something that'd be just fine by me!

Peace and Long Life,

PaunFarr

Swingtown

Swingtown premiered last night and my husband and I watched it together. If you don't know the premise of the show, it's about a group of families in suburban America set in the 1970's. Disco, drugs and free love are givens, but the real focus is on the "free love" part.

Swinger parties, wife swapping and sexual exploration abound here. This is a great chance to get some nice skin shots of hotties like Grant Show (above) if you can get past his silly porn 'stache. The music is 100% 70's and my husband LOVED that part of the show. The sex scenes (this is CBS ya know...) are obviously watered down/behind closed doors, but that doesn't take away from the sexiness of the show.

I'm not sure either of us is really into the show yet, but we'll probably give at least the 2nd episode a try. Neither of us likes to see drugs of any kind, so seeing joints passed around and qualudes given out like candy really turns us off.

Obviously this show is an attempt to examine modern polyamorous relationships by looking at swingers back in the 70's. Of course moderm poly is quite different, it can mean different things to different people. Less focus is placed on sex and more on relationships.

Now, if we can just talk Showtime or HBO to start a series about BDSM or Leathermen, that'd be fantastic!

- PaunFarr

Three's Company - RERUN!

Hey all!

Just looking at how my blog reads and thought I should include this disclaimer. The entry for "Three's Company" seems out of place following the "May I Be..." entry. The reason for that is that Three's Company occured three weeks ago and is simply a retelling of that event. Matt from the fantabulous BigGaySexShow requested a retelling of this tale so he could use it on the show if they had time.

Make sure to check out the link to the BigGaySexShow on the right, Matt and Weegie are both fantastic guys and put together the most amazing podcast you'd ever listen to! They're my inspiration for this blog and I look forward to hearing them each week!

Peace and Long Life,

PaunFarr

Three's Company...

Five's a dinner party?

There was no one named "Jack", "Janet" or "Chrissy", but for this story those are the names we'll use to protect everyone's privacy. Supporting characters would be PaunFarr and his husband, John.

Through an on-line group, PaunFarr and John met Jack and heard about his triad family. PaunFarr and John agreed to meet Jack and his family for dinner to better understand the unusual lifestyle Jack was part of. PaunFarr and John, themselves on a Sexual Adventure, were hoping to better understand what "pan-poly-BDSM" really meant.

The drive down to meet Jack left our heroes with a ton of questions, misconceptions and outright stereotypes. What would a "polyamourous" family be like? How would a "Master" treat his "slave"? Would dinner be raw meat hanging from chains in the dungeon? What madness were poor PaunFarr and John walking into??

Arriving they were met at the door by a very pleasant slender woman in her late forties to early fifties. She introduced herself as "Chrissy" and soon "Jack" joined her. Jack was a stout man who could easily play the role of Santa Claus if he wanted. I imagine it wouldn't be the first time he'd had someone over his knee...

PaunFarr and John were given a quick tour of their small condo featuring a large coffee table and dinning room table. However Jack and Chrissy explained dinner would be next door in their adjacent condo. The four walked out the back for the few steps to the other condo and observed how incredibly beautiful the area was with a small lake including a fountain bubbling in the middle.

Next door they met Janet, dutifully cooking in the kitchen and preparing supper for the group. Together the five sat down for a meal of veggies and meats served with a fondue pot of sauce. Dessert was fruit with chocolate fondue. The meat was NOT hanging from hooks in a dungeon, but rather precooked and neatly arranged alongside the veggies.

During dinner they discussed everything from jobs, to kids, to dungeon scenes where Chrissy was beaten until bloody. Jack explained that he and Janet had been married and had met Chrissy and her husband. The four of them had decided to become a four-way family and moved in together. Things didn't work out, and Chrissy's husband left. This left the three of them in an odd sort of situation. They didn't quite know what to do with themselves. Jack still loved Janet, and yet Jack loved Chrissy as well, also Janet and Chrissy loved each other too (though not in a sexual way).

The three decided to form an unconventional family unit. A triad where Jack and Janet were husband and wife, and Chrissy was slave to Jack as Master. Now this last part confused and disturbed PaunFarr and John the most, but having met the three of them there were no overt signs of what they expected a Master/slave relationship might be like. Chrissy wore an ornate chain necklace, that no doubt served the purpose as her slave collar. To the casual observer it was nothing more than jewelry. There were some subtle signs of the power exchange in the group, most notably that Jack got to sit around and chat while Chrissy and Janet served meals and provided drinks. But during conversations it was very obvious that all of them were very much in love and respected and cared for one another. Jack did show off an elegantly framed piece of artwork displaying a silk screening of his initials surrounded by blotchy patches. This, he explained, was a printing from Chrissy's back when he had carved his initials into her skin with a knife (consensually, of course). Certainly NOT the kind of play either PaunFarr or John were into, but if this was done safely, sanely and consensually then good for them!

Moving back to the first condo, PaunFarr and John asked about "toys". Ok... PaunFarr asked, he was DYING to see the violet wand! Chrissy brought out a large plastic box and opened it on the table. Inside was what appeared to be a vibrator with various glass devices all arranged in foam. Some looked like light bulbs, others like gardening equipment.

Chrissy plugged the violet wand in and attached some of the implements to test on PaunFarr and John's arms. Depending on the implement the surface area produced small electrical arcs that danced between class and skin to create from mild to intense stimulations. PaunFarr liked this feeling... Very much... Christmas donations being accepted NOW! Operators standing by! WOW!

Oh... Where was I? Toys, yes. After the electrical demonstration, Jack brought out various floggers, whips and paddles. The floggers looked like the most god awful torture devices known to mankind! The sort of things that might be used against Conan the barbarian to break his mighty spirit! HUGE buffalo hide strips attached to large handles. It looked like one swipe with this would break bones! So PaunFarr volunteered to try it out...

Jack was an expert with these floggers and with a careful arc swung them about and down upon PaunFarr's back (clothes on, it wasn't THAT kind of play!). After several swipes it was amazing! The feeling was so relaxing PaunFarr thought he was going to fall asleep. It could best be described as the kneading sensation during a good massage. No pain, but the visual and auditory looked and sounded like something out of a bondage video!

John took a turn, and both agreed they were amazed at the feeling. Obviously all flogging isn't quite so tame, but it was great to learn that all of BDSM didn't have to be about agony and punishment!

Remember that large coffee table I mentioned at the beginning of the story? The group returned there and Jack and Chrissy flipped it over, attached parts and quickly set it up as a custom built bondage rack! Perfectly constructed for Chrissy's body with supports and padding to make it extremely comfortable. It even featured a neatly organized system for hanging all Jack's toys so he could tell Janet exactly what he needed and she provide it like a nurse to a doctor.

It was late, and time to go home. PaunFarr and John thanked their hosts for the evening of good food, friendship and information. The night was such an eye opening experience for PaunFarr and John. After discussing everything, PaunFarr and John agreed that their relationship was completely satisfying and they have desire to add to it with another person, but they both could see the love and commitment between Jack, Janet and Chrissy and how well that arrangement worked for them. They also decided that trying out some floggers and perhaps a violet wand themselves might be a nice investment...

Thus our heroes drove off into the sunset to continue their Sexual Adventure and grow in love and understanding together.

Peace and Long Life,
PaunFarr

May I Be...

"May I be, the man in whom you'll ever trust."

That line is from a poem, it's also from the wedding vows I told my husband nine years ago when we had our commitment ceremony. It's very special to me and I think of those words often, May I Be...

Time to backup and regroup people. My dick, or rather my horniness, has gotten ahead of me. I found myself precariously perched between my personal desires and my relationship with my husband. It wouldn't take a psychiatrist to read just a few of my below blog entries to know I've been actively researching a ton of BDSM options. This is an area that's always intrigued me, but I've never tried. I'd like to, and may very well try it soon! But not at the cost of my relationship.

My husband and I started out on our "Sexual Adventure" together with goals to add a little spice to our relationship. For a while everything was going along perfectly, every word was shared between us, every desire, every move forward. It was fantastic! We were closer than we've ever been and I secretly felt sorry for all our friends that they didn't have nearly the same closeness that we shared.

Then we hit a few roadblocks. Sick cat, sick kid, and sudden death of our family doctor. Suddenly there were a lot more important things to deal with in R/L than to talk about kinky sex. My husband held back to deal with all of this, I (ever the obsessive one) continued on. I joined several groups and arranged for a couple R/L meetings with people from the BDSM community. I thought by putting faces on these cyber people and getting to know them and losing the "scary" image we had in our minds that I'd help my husband along on the fast track towards acceptance.

Not so.... they always say "know thyself", but someone forgot the owners manual for "know thy husband!" Instead of making him more comfortable, I ended up traumatizing him. Now don't take your mind down THAT path (though it'd make a good story...), I'm not talking about tossing him into some sexual scene where they tied him up and beat him till he was bleeding! I'm talking about simply pushing past his comfort level. Past it in a LOT of different ways. On top of his fears of heterosexual men, into his fear of crowds, his intense dislike of meeting new people. Oh, and did I mention he was quizzed by someone wanting to become part of our poly relationship and make my husband his slave bitch? Yeah, he was a little freaked out.

So I've felt terrible about all this. I've felt like I failed to protect my husband in this most basic way. If he couldn't count on me to protect him from an uncomfortable conversation, how can he trust me to protect him in a dungeon filled with hot sexy BDSM scenes?

I'll be cutting back on any groups I'm part of now and returning my focus on our relationship. Work on getting that "warm fuzzy" feeling back between us, and then we can look into proceeding on into whatever life has in store for us. Does that mean I'm giving up on my BDSM journey? Maybe, maybe not, but my relationship is more important to me. Hopefully in the future I don't look back with regret on this decision. Hopefully I'll look back fondly and think about how incredibly HOT my relationship has become because I took the time to develop it properly.

Peace and Long Life,

PaunFarr