May I Be...

"May I be, the man in whom you'll ever trust."

That line is from a poem, it's also from the wedding vows I told my husband nine years ago when we had our commitment ceremony. It's very special to me and I think of those words often, May I Be...

Time to backup and regroup people. My dick, or rather my horniness, has gotten ahead of me. I found myself precariously perched between my personal desires and my relationship with my husband. It wouldn't take a psychiatrist to read just a few of my below blog entries to know I've been actively researching a ton of BDSM options. This is an area that's always intrigued me, but I've never tried. I'd like to, and may very well try it soon! But not at the cost of my relationship.

My husband and I started out on our "Sexual Adventure" together with goals to add a little spice to our relationship. For a while everything was going along perfectly, every word was shared between us, every desire, every move forward. It was fantastic! We were closer than we've ever been and I secretly felt sorry for all our friends that they didn't have nearly the same closeness that we shared.

Then we hit a few roadblocks. Sick cat, sick kid, and sudden death of our family doctor. Suddenly there were a lot more important things to deal with in R/L than to talk about kinky sex. My husband held back to deal with all of this, I (ever the obsessive one) continued on. I joined several groups and arranged for a couple R/L meetings with people from the BDSM community. I thought by putting faces on these cyber people and getting to know them and losing the "scary" image we had in our minds that I'd help my husband along on the fast track towards acceptance.

Not so.... they always say "know thyself", but someone forgot the owners manual for "know thy husband!" Instead of making him more comfortable, I ended up traumatizing him. Now don't take your mind down THAT path (though it'd make a good story...), I'm not talking about tossing him into some sexual scene where they tied him up and beat him till he was bleeding! I'm talking about simply pushing past his comfort level. Past it in a LOT of different ways. On top of his fears of heterosexual men, into his fear of crowds, his intense dislike of meeting new people. Oh, and did I mention he was quizzed by someone wanting to become part of our poly relationship and make my husband his slave bitch? Yeah, he was a little freaked out.

So I've felt terrible about all this. I've felt like I failed to protect my husband in this most basic way. If he couldn't count on me to protect him from an uncomfortable conversation, how can he trust me to protect him in a dungeon filled with hot sexy BDSM scenes?

I'll be cutting back on any groups I'm part of now and returning my focus on our relationship. Work on getting that "warm fuzzy" feeling back between us, and then we can look into proceeding on into whatever life has in store for us. Does that mean I'm giving up on my BDSM journey? Maybe, maybe not, but my relationship is more important to me. Hopefully in the future I don't look back with regret on this decision. Hopefully I'll look back fondly and think about how incredibly HOT my relationship has become because I took the time to develop it properly.

Peace and Long Life,

PaunFarr