Feeling Blue

Hello all!



Sorry for being gone so long, I would like to say I'll try to post something every day, but the reality is that it just doesn't happen that way. I haven't really been inspired to say anything in the last few days. In fact, I'm a little blue right now.

Most of you just know me as "PaunFarr". PaunFarr is an identity I created for myself to allow me to express myself sexually on the Internet. A sort of "multiple personality" if you will. PaunFarr could be as dirty as I wasn't comfortable being, say things that would never come out of my mouth and be honest with feelings I was too timid to explore.

PaunFarr was "born" October of 2001. I'd been surfing the web, home alone and bored, and came across a sight I'd never visited before. In fact, it featured live web cam feeds of men jacking off for the camera. You could watch, and be watched as you played with yourself. I thought how hot that sounded and wanted to try it with my husband, but he wasn't home at the time.

I hooked up my web cam and entered the rooms. Soon I saw a screen full of small windows of men masturbating including a little window of my (clothed) image. Eventually I became brave enough to strip and join in. There was no audio or text, just video feeds. Guys of all types, smooth, hairy, big, thin, muscled and tattooed. They were just normal guys doing what guys like to do.

Remember, I'd NEVER done anything like this before. I had a self image of goodness and spirituality and didn't think there was room for anything "dirty" in me. But here I was jacking off in full view of other anonymous men, it was the closest thing to a circle jerk I've ever been.

When I came it was a HUGE rush of adrenaline! I felt like I was reborn! That there was a part of me that could be sexual and it was OK! I rechristened this part of myself "PaunFarr" and considered this a separate identity, one where I could freely express my sexuality without making the "real me" dirty.

The next day I excitedly told my husband about this experience, and my rebirth as PaunFarr. My hope was that it signified a new turn in our relationship towards a kinkier, sexier, more exciting sex life between us. Instead of being turned on by my news and anxious to join me in my personal sexual revolution, he was repulsed. He considered my brief foray into web cam sex the same as cheating on him.

Ouch. I crashed. Here I thought I was on the verge of freeing my inner sexual being and making our sex lives hot as hell, and he took the high ground making me feel like a greasy spot on the bottom of his shoe. Maybe I was naive to think he'd accept such a radical change in me, but I never intended that change to be threatening to our relationship, rather for it to be the spark towards hot sexual fires between he and I.

I agreed never to do anything like that again, and PaunFarr retreated to the dark recesses of my mind. He never left, and occasionally would come out as an author to a story or on an Internet discussion group. But to my husband he didn't exist. Our sex life remained vanilla and normal.

Years have past and PaunFarr has grown stronger. And through a twist of events my husband came face to face with PaunFarr speaking his mind and telling him about my long hidden sexual desires. Ready to face rejection again, but no longer caring, it was MY turn to be shocked! My husband was TURNED ON by what PaunFarr had to say! He actually LIKED some of my ideas!

So thus began our current "sexual adventure". Communication has waxed and waned between finishing each other's thoughts to not having a clue where the other person is thinking. Real life struggles have side barred us and it's been a bumpy road. But we've struggled and kept it together and continue to move towards some degree of sexual growth between us.

The communication and acceptance part is the most important piece right now. For the first time I not only feel accepted as PaunFarr, I feel the identity is not necessary. Suddenly the whole of me is open to accepting the diversity of all of me including my sexuality. PaunFarr is being absorbed into the whole of me. PaunFarr is dying.

I'll keep the PaunFarr identity simply for Internet safety. It gives me a mask to hide behind so I'm not slapping my real self out there for any potential stalkers who may want to track me down. But I hope that the need for a separate expression of my sexuality is no longer needed. That I can be a whole being; husband, father, employee, student and sexual person all wrapped up in one.

But it's hard not to feel blue. I've been PaunFarr for many years and I'll miss his refreshing and sometimes harsh commentary. Hopefully the real me doesn't turn out to be a boring geek. ;-)

- PaunFarr (just a mask)